My mind is scrambled but my heart is pure…
It’s my birthday week and I pondered on writing a flowery blog on all the wonderful things I’ve learned in 42 years. 42 things to be grateful for, 42 things I’m proud of, or 42 ways to make life great. It’s not that all of those subjects wouldn't be true or delight you as the reader. But in all honesty, nothing I write in that vain will be 100% authentic. It will come from my mind and not from my heart. What I know or what I feel to be true in this moment is that my brain will always offer scrambled eggs. Not because I’m not intelligent or that I’m scattered. Although, if you know me, you know that I’m an Air sign and can be flighty or will take forever to make decisions, not make them at all or change my mind five times before taking action.
It’s more that my mind will always be twisted up because for 42 years it’s tried too hard. Tried to be perfect, beautiful, in sync, the cool kid. My mind has tricked me into believing that I can force myself to do anything. My mind has wished for a better body, a prettier face, a bigger house, a cooler car, more money, etc. The gears that crank my brain try to convince me that my thoughts mean something. My mind continually pleads its’ intentions to my heart. None of which is pure. It’s all full of agendas and reasons that life could be great, or would be great if I were better.
It all sounds a little silly though I’m fairly certain I’m not alone. Still, I know that I am loved, cherished, cared for. And in all of that I feel a massive appreciation for the beauty that others see in me, or not. Either way is fine. Either way each one of you, has reflected ME back to ME. I’m not saying that I’m defined by others but for 42 years, I have been looking into tiny pieces of a shattered mirror. Remembering myself through conversations, the gaze into each others eyes, the words falling from each others lips, the warm embrace of friends and strangers alike. I’ve seen myself through tears, arguments, confusion, envy and things we label as “tough.” It’s not important to pick up every piece and try to put the mirror back together, however my heart does desire to cherish and give space to all of these moments.
In 42 years I have discovered that the pieces of my heart never leave or are lost. I am not lost. In fact my heart grows. Within each interaction, discovery, perceived love and loss, battle or desire, my heart remembers who I really am…who we all are. And at the risk of sounding like a total fluff head, I will offer the truth to you and to myself: we are all insatiable, delicious, unrequited drops of Love. THAT is the purity of the heart. By pure, I mean there is no reason. It just is. And so I exhale while plunging into the unknown and the uncertainty. Leaning into vulnerability or fear, jumping feet first off the safety net my mind has woven. Now begins the unweaving of all those patterns. I may spend the next 42 years completing the task, maybe it will never be complete and that’s okay too. It is what it is. So today and everyday is a time to celebrate the moment that is birthing now and now and now.
In 42 years I’m not sure I actually know anything more. Perhaps I’m a bit wiser and maybe the tiniest bit more willing to walk the purest path of my heart. The path is Love. IT is always here, it has always been here. And amidst the scramble it seems only fair to offer permission to love fully and completely for 5 minutes or 50 years despite the fear of my perception of losing it all. And there is a possibility of that too. Here’s what I sense: You cannot find something you already have or lose something you already are. It takes courage to open that door… it’s only one breath away. I wish a Happy Birthday to you and a Happy Birthday to me.